Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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