If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
