And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
