In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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