I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Boobs are out for the taking
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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