My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
