i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
