So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
