i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
