Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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