He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
