Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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