he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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