he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
