upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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