im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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