You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
