I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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