Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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