i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
