I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
