I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
