when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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