I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
