My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
