I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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