no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Randomize
