He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
