I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
