oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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