The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
