Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
