K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
