I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
