kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
