...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
