Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My ass is underappreciated
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
