apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
