I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
