Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
