Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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