This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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