i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Randomize
