She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
