who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
