I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
