I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Houston, we have a blender
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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