I cockslap morals
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
