Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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