The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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