i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
